Chart Your Thanksgiving the Right Way πŸ—βœ¨

11.16.18

Dinnertime debates have gone from scruffs to brawls. Alexa and Siri can’t cook for us. And we’re still trampling people over cheap TVs. In these challenging holiday times, we found it comforting to look to the heavens. And what we saw, well, might change Thanksgiving as we know it.

Introducing Our Buffet of Zodiac Signs

A divine vision of the Zodiac signs, reborn in Thanksgiving legends. Find yours below, share them with friends, and remember: the stars have spoken. We are but the messengers.

 

Gravies (March 21 - April 19) - Goes with the flow, Brings out the best in everyone, Has everyone else covered, but can't love themselves

Turkduckus (April 20 - May 20) - Bold and ambitious, but rarely follows through, Pretty exhausting to talk to, Considers high school their glory years

Yamini (May 21 - June 20) - Sweet...a little too sweet. Like they are hiding something, Often mistaken for their evil twin "Sweetus Potatus", Can't change them--they y'are what they y'are

Canser (June 21 - July 22) - Swears by family recipes; can't write them down for you, Recycles the same bad jokes every year, Not one for thinking outside the box

Meo (July 23 - August 22) - First to arrive, first to eat, last to clean, Always ends up with the best leftovers, You're gonna hear about their trip to Greece again

Vino (August 23 - September) - More sass than class, No filter. And not as think as your drunk they are, Knows who you should have voted for

Leanra (September 23 - October 22) - Would love to try your potatoes but they look "a little too rich", Still ridiculed for pitching a tofurkey one year, Did you know they do crossfit?

Scorchio (October 23 - November 21) - Can't cook, but thinks you're joking when you say it, Once promoted their turkey as "the extra crispy recipe", Really rocked the singed eyebrows that year

Takanapius (November 22 - December 21) - Fighting a losing battle with tryptophan, Snores are the songs of their people, Can fall asleep anwhere: couch, table...toilet

Creamicorn (December 22 - January 19) - Nice enough. Couldn't get arrested at your table, though, Favorite expression: "Don't fix what ain't broke", Has had the same job, car and haircut as long as you can remember

Cranberrius (January 20 - February 18) - Known for their dry, bitter sense of humor, The estranged cousin you only see around the holidays, In desperate need of some sweetness

Piesees (February 19 - March 20) - Considers dinner the appetizer to dessert, Read on Buzzfeed that chocolate is probably a health food, Proves that dingy sweatpants are fit for every holiday moment

 

— Happy Thanksgiving from Paradigm!